FAWM: "Hands With Benefits"

Hands With Benefits

2025 by @balancelost

NSFW

Liner Notes

I had the 28th off so I was able to bash one more out (hey-oh!)

There is a disconnect between the song titles I write down in my notepad (which are juvenile and stupid) and the songs I end up writing (which are super ultra mega serious), so I tried to actually use one of the titles I wrote down, hence this song about wanking!

Musically, although it ended up fairly straightforward, I tried to channel the Cardiacs as much as my limited ability and sensibilities would allow. I'm sure I would have made Tim Smith so proud.

The lyrics are (unfortunately) fairly self-explanatory, except for the line about the Eagles, so let me tell you little story. Many years ago, a friend of mine (naming no names, Ross Leader) went on a lads holiday, and in a quiet moment he decided indulge in some self-love while he had his hotel room to himself. For reason unknown, he did so while listening to the (undeniably sexy) Eagles on his walkman, and so didn't hear his roommate (naming no names, Rick Wingate) walk into the room and catch him in the act of polishing his purple headed womb-broom. Hence, among the many euphemisms that exist for the act in question, "listening to the Eagles" has become my phrase of choice.

#punk #masturbating

Lyrics

I've got the house to myself I got a magazine that I found in the woods I'm gonna do what the vicar told me I should Not Do God is watching He's probably listening to the Eagles too

You don't need to wash it that long It's already clean, it's already clean Ooh It's not clean any more And now I'm more than a little sore Best to lay off for an hour or 4 But I can't wait any more

I'll be down in a minute, mum Please don't come In

You're home earlier than expected Caught me looking at the internet It might have questionable merit But it's pure fucking art to me It's art to me

Comments

@freshspotlessyouth 2025

Ha...so rocking and so good, and pretty damned funny. Yeah, own it! Love the pause after "vicar told me I should..." This is sort of a bookend to @odilongreen's song Worst Beat-Off 2k25, though it sounds like you had more fun

@karlsburg25 2025

WOW! was so excited to see punk on your linear notes. And omg this is bombastic. I adore the octave singing and it truly is magical how you nail a punk song so perfectly but for me its beyond punk as its much more musical. Bloody awesoem

@tomski 2025

Grr!! I don't think I've heard you do this fast-paced style before but it definitely works. This was lots of fun.

@frenchcricket 2025

I’m so glad I was here to witness the birth of #s-punk

Actually saw the Eagles live last year. With thousands of people…

This is such a blast. Really love it when you go full punk pop. You do it so well. The overlapping vocals at the end are killer.

@adforperu 2025

85 seconds? Maybe when I was a young lad. Well this is lots of fun, I hope your pal said that he 'hates the fucking Eagles, man!'. The frantic pace with the stop-starts act as excellent punchlines.

@vomvorton 2025

Can't believe this is still a zong, it's almost like everyone else wanted to leave you on your own to finish whatever it is you're doing in there. But not me, I'm joining in. Definitely feeling the Cardiacs madcap stop-start vibes here and you fit a ton of fun punk energy into those 85 seconds! God, your hand must have been a blur.