FAWM: "The Comb and Tissue Song [FT]"

The Comb and Tissue Song [FT]

2025 by @timfatchenMod

There is no demo for this song.

Liner Notes

In a forum which shall remain nameless because it's already brought me a world of pain, I suggested that all that was needed for a song idea was a tissue and a comb. @dhiatt promptly responded,"what are the comb and tissue for? :p" and I thought "I'll fix you, you 7/4 serious harmony great production person you" and started this lyric. Sadly, Flying Tadpole stepped out, in, and took over. Now I don't dare set the thing to music until I've bought a NEW, CLEAN comb, preferably guaranteed sterile.

On the other hand, the speed with which this, um, exuded out qualified it for the #badsongclub and indeed it is a bad, bad song and should carry a #health-warning #biohazard label. I'd be ashamed of myself, except Flying Tadpole made me do it.

Lyrics

My beloved kazoo broke down one day When a kazoo I wanted to play And at first I couldn’t think which what was where Then I remembered what I did When I was a snotty kid With California poppy in my hair

I’d use a comb and tissue! Humming at that would issue Kazoo-like noises round and round There’d be no need to panic And I’d make music manic Even though a live kazoo couldn’t be found.

SO….. I used a comb and tissue For looks I couldn’t care They’d make a buzzing sound Spread music everywhere! That’s a comb and tissue! That’s what they’re both for! Play the comb and tissue And the music shouts out the door!

[Comb/tissue interlude]

But hidden dangers lurked therein My sinuses started caving in The ENT man looked and said “my goodness!” You’ve got critters up your nose How they got there, Heaven knows, Do you comb your nose-hairs?” (Oh such rudeness).

And my hair was falling out And with it lumps of ?grout. How THEY got there I didn’t have a clue Until I realised they were not Just grout, but fossilising snot That to my balding pate had stuck like glue

SO…. Don’t use a comb and tissue It’s not that I want to scare But you’ll end up finding nits home-and-nosed And snot bombs through your hair That’s a comb and tissue Together they’ll lead you astray And lice and bugs will dis you Once you’ve made their frabjous day

Comments

@coolparadisoMod 2025

Yeah it needs music, I’ll even join you on the comb and greasproof paper if necessary! I had completely forgotten that we used to do this! I’ll even break out my throat bagpipes!

@carleybaer 2025

I hope upon hope that this is given music someday soon. What an epic cautionary tale! I think I shall stay away from combs and tissue just in case...

@dhiatt 2025

OMFG, kudos to you for finding inspiration and really digging in (ick) when you unearth a juicy (double ick) topic. Now we need to find a comb and tissue master to bring this one to life. Consider me well fixed!

@cts 2025

I honestly don't know what to make of this. I read it. I re-read it. I paused and found myself completely...something. I vaguely remember someone doing this or seeing it on Sesame Street of The Electric Company. Maybe it was Zoom. Nevertheless I am entertained.

@billwhite51 2025

i have taught my daughter how to play the comb and tissue, although i like the sound of notebook paper better. (and here i repeat the oft told dale of how i played kazoo with pink floyd on their first american tour) it is difficult for me to imagine how such a sophisticated snotlog of a poem be sung, and if you decline the making of it, i offer my considerable thespian talents to contribute an ultra-serious dramatic reading of it set to the most pompous music you can summon. if this has no appeal for you, i eagerly wait your own musication of this nose-dropping gem.

@heather 2025

O frabjous day! Not the lice AND the bugs dissing you simultaneously. That's harsh. Seriously, sometimes you just gotta let loose and go with whatever the tadpole wants you to write. I think of it as clearing out my brain for more Serious Art.