Oblivion
by @tezzin
Liner Notes
Since the end of the last day of this FAWM approaches, I'm going to go ahead and post this lyric, which is the closest to "complete" of the several songs-in-progress that won't make the deadline.
I think it needs a chorus or at least a refrain line. Maybe. That might be easier to work out once I have some sort of melody that makes sense for these verses. Of what's here, I think the third verse in particular needs some additional work, to say the least; I don't hate it, but it's... not really "there", either. The title "Oblivion" is the prompt I started from, and I'm no longer certain it fits the direction this is taking. Thoughts welcome and appreciated!
Lyrics
A thin veil of darkness separates me From what I want to see The shadows in my mind obscure the way To where I long to be
I lose myself in this fretful madness And dreams of yesterday Uncertainty and chaos cloud my mind And I can't find my way
I focus my mind on love and kindness It helps to ease the pain The storm of madness finally abates But the petrichor remains
Comments
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This is the second lyric I've seen in FAWM with the word 'petrichor'. Just observing.
Anyway, I like this lyric as is but I think it does need some sort of chorus or repeated line to hold it together as well.
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Your lyrics are so evocative and dense that I think I'd like to hear a melodic motif between the verses more than I'd want to hear more lyrics. I need time to let the lyrics sink in.
Maybe a couplet at the end to leave the listener with one final idea. Are you planning to record music for this?
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I like both the previous suggestions as possibilities, and I think oblivion still fits. Definitely worth keeping.
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I think it still fits the perfect title of Oblivion!
Choruses would go from 1) sink into oblivion, to 2)lost in oblivion, to 3) rise from oblivion.
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I’m imagining that you could leave the chorus missing - at least not have a lyric for it, because the whole song feels like it is a yearning towards having a chorus aka some central meaning. Maybe there’s a musical idea that starts as just half a line then grows through the song - maybe with some non-word vocables.
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Interesting how it has a lift of hope at the end, but we're brought back down to earth by the petrichor line (my favorite line)